How Wilbur Whateley's Parents Met

HOST
Hello and welcome to the Love Connection! Our lucky lady for tonight is Lavinia Whateley from Dunwich, Massachusetts. She's deformed, insane, and dangerously inbred, but don't tell the bachelors!

LAVINIA
Hee-hee!

HOST
And now let's meet our three contestants. Bachelor Number One, say hello.

B1
Hello, Lavinia. I just want to say I can't wait to meet you in person.

B2
Hey, Baby. I'll love you like you've never been loved before.

B3
Yog-Sothoth does not engage in mortal greeting customs. Yog-Sothoth comes forth from the Outer Darkness and devours.

HOST
Hey, Number Three, remember the rules. No names.

LAVINIA
Hee-hee!

HOST
You can go ahead and ask your first question, Lavinia.

LAVINIA
Bach'ler One, if'n I war an ice cream cone, what kinder toppins 'ed ye put on me?

B1
I'd top you with sweet sprinkles, to go with your sweet face.

LAVINIA
Hee-hee! Bach'ler Two?

B2
I can't think of any better topping for a creamy little dessert like you than me, Baby.

LAVINIA
Hee-hee! Ai'm blushin, Narmber Two. What about you, Bach'ler Three?

B3
Yog-Sothoth does not adorn His chosen mate with "toppings." Yog-Sothoth will implant you with His seed, and thereby open the way to the Old Ones. Yog-Sothoth is the key and the gate. Yog-

HOST
Sorry we had to cut off your microphone, Number Three, but you've got to learn to play by the rules. Is he still talking back there? Sheesh! What a character. What's your next question, Lavinia?

LAVINIA
Hee-hee!

B1
Um, do I answer that?

B2
Baby, that special giggle of yours is all the cue I'll ever need to get it on with you. I- Aggh! -and shall wash over the earth and cleanse it of all lesser life forms. N'gai! N'gha'ghaa, bugg-shoggog, y'hai!

HOST
Bachelor Number Three, I have to ask you not to drive the other contestants insane. You will be eliminated from competition if you cause trouble again. Understand?

B3
-who ruled the earth before, and shall rule it again. Past, present, and future. All are one in Yog-Sothoth. He knows where the Old Ones- Oh! Is it my turn again?

LAVINIA
I reckon I want Narmber Two.

B3
What? But I am Yog-Sothoth, He who-

HOST
Well, them's the breaks, Number Three. Better luck next-

B3
Silence, prattling mammal! Yog-Sothoth will not tolerate your buffoonery any longer!

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

NEW HOST
Welcome back! And now we're ready to see how our match-making turned out. Lavinia, tell us how the date went.

LAVINIA
Well, Bach'ler Narmber Two an me ran up Sentinel Hill, whar I sackerficed him te Bach'ler Narmber Three an'-

NEW HOST
Excuse me, did you say, "sacrificed"?

LAVINIA
Ayuh, but I still got his head here in this sack, if'n ye warnt te ask him abaout the daite.

NEW HOST
N-no, that's all right. Well, that- that wraps it up for today, folks, join us next week when a sexy lady named Rosemary will get to choose from- Wait a minute! Rosemary? That's it- I'm outta here!

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